The Navigator
August 2021 Newsletter
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Scott's Thoughts
Family Lessons
By, Options for Senior Living Founder, Scott Fischer
About seven years ago, my mom moved here from Ohio closer to my brother and I so that we could help her in the late stages of her life. As her health and needs were changing, she needed to be closer to her boys so that we could be a more regular part of her life.
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From my experience, I knew there were at least three immediate things I needed to do for my mom once she got to Phoenix. First, I knew that we had to have her insurance coverages reviewed by a Medicare specialist since she was coming from out of state. Secondly, I also knew we had to coordinate her medical care with a highly skilled primary care physician who specialized in working with SENIORS. Thirdly, I knew that her powers of attorney needed to be updated for the state of Arizona. She did not have a required mental health power of attorney that is fairly unique to our state. She also needed to name me as her medical and financial power of attorney now that she lived here.
We successfully navigated those tasks the first couple of months she was here. Having the right primary care physician has been instrumental in helping her manage her complex health care needs. As a result, we have been able to maintain her independence. I provided just the right balance of support and intervention to enable her to continue living in her over-55 apartment community. She knows she may need assisted living one day, but we both want that to be down the road and maximize her independence for as long as possible.
Over the last couple of months, my wife’s uncle was unfortunately diagnosed with extensive cancers. The situation was dire, and from the time we learned of the diagnosis in just three weeks, her uncle passed away. It was heartbreaking to see someone you love and respect lose their life so quickly.
When my wife's cousin got the call that he was quite ill, she tried to call the oncologist who was treating her dad. Unfortunately, the oncologist's office told her they could not speak to her because she was not a power of attorney, and he had not expressly given his permission.
Later that week, we drove up to his home in Cornville and found him very weak and short of breath. Cancer had severely invaded his lungs and his liver. When I asked him if he had any of his life planning done, including his powers of attorney, he said he didn’t need to as he only had one daughter, and it wasn’t necessary.
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I had to stress that we could not help him and that he was hurting his daughter by not giving her permission to serve in the capacity of his power of attorney. Our parents do their utmost to protect us, kids, from having to be a burden to them, but just the opposite happens when they won’t allow their children into the role of loving and supporting them during the most difficult times.
It’s horrible to watch a parent get sick with cancer or dementia, but it’s just as devastating to have not done the proper planning for the sake of “protecting them”. Stacy's uncle agreed that he would allow me to get together the proper documents that he would need for the last few weeks of his life. As a result, we were able to execute his Living Will, his powers of attorney, and even his testament so that his daughter could fully access his world and handle his affairs after his passing.
The truth is all lives eventually come to an end. By trusting me and showing her courage, my mother has allowed me to love her in ways I wasn’t able to do when I was younger. Like so many other seniors, she feels the loss of her independence and ability to manage her own life. But I am committed to helping her retain her dignity and sense of self for as long as possible.
So many families have a story similar to this. For one reason or another, they delay or even put off getting those vital life planning documents completed for the sake of protecting their children. Yet, my mom has always been a symbol of strength and resilience. She’s had to overcome so many things in her life and is showing the most courage ever by trusting me with so much of herself these last years of her life.
If you’re a parent reading this, please don't keep your kids in the dark and put off such a critical discussion. Our uncle’s situation was tragic, but it could’ve been even worse had we not gotten there when we did.
Let this be your family lesson too.
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Having the Tough Conversation
Our latest article explains our top tips for having an effective conversation with your parent or senior loved one about long-term care. In many cases, this conversation happens reactively – only after a fall, stroke, or worse. We address the uncomfortable only when we have to. So be prepared and get the most out of your next difficult conversation with your aging loved one.
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Team Spotlight
"I needed an immediate placement for a family member and was referred to Tammy. While this process was highly emotional, she was instantly comforting with her words and assured me that she would help me figure things out— and that she did. Just as promised, we found placement by the end of that same day. Her dedication didn’t stop there. She kept in touch with me post-placement too. This experience was beyond helpful, and I would endlessly recommend Tammy. She made a challenging situation emotionally and physically manageable, and I am forever grateful. Her commitment, warmth, and dedication to her work should be mirrored as the industry standard."
- Jami W.
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Final Thoughts
WHEN PARENTS GET OLD ...
Let them grow old with the same love that they let you grow ... let them speak and tell repeated stories with the same patience and interest that they heard yours as a child ... let them overcome, like so many times when they let you win ... let them enjoy their friends just as they let you … let them enjoy the talks with their grandchildren because they see you in them ... let them enjoy living among the objects that have accompanied them for a long time, because they suffer when they feel that you tear pieces of this life away ... let them be wrong, like so many times you have been wrong and they didn’t embarrass you by correcting you ... LET THEM LIVE and try to make them happy the last stretch of the path they have left to go; give them your hand, just like they gave you their hand when you started your path!
“Honor your mother and father and your days shall be long upon the earth”.
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