Long-Term Senior Care, Tips for Talking to Your Aging Parent

How do you talk to a parent about long-term senior care? We sat down with Nicole Clifton, a Leadership and Development coach from Arizona, to discuss some of her top tips to consider when talking to your aging parent about long-term senior care solutions.

Having a conversation with your aging parent about long-term care is frequently more stressful than the actual move to a facility itself.

“Starting the conversation of long-term care can be extremely difficult, and for a good reason. Nobody would actively choose to discuss how their body or mind is regressing, nor the reality of their eventual death,” says Nicole.

As human beings, we are known for our resilience and our ability to adapt to change. However, we aren’t known for accepting death and our own physical and mental decline as we age. Never is this more true than when confronted with the reality of an aging parent or loved one who needs to transition to longer-term care, such as Assisted Living, Memory Care, or even Nursing Home Care.

“In a lot of cases, this conversation between adult children and their senior parents happens reactively – only after a fall, stroke, or worse. We address the uncomfortable only when we have to, and often, this can be a contributing factor to the overall problem. Being reactive during a serious conversation about the next step of longer-term care can cause a total communication breakdown between adult children and parents – which defeats the purpose of coming to an amicable compromise for both parties in the first place.” Nicole adds.

Below are some tips to start the conversation of long-term care with your aging parent or loved one:

Timing

Choosing the right time may seem obvious, but discussing long-term senior care is crucial. The best time to have such a conversation is now. In other words, when your aging parent is in good health, and there are no signs that anything could be wrong.

Be aware that having a difficult conversation at the wrong time can easily cause an otherwise calm situation to spiral out of control. Is your parent more receptive to talking and sharing at a particular time of the day? After a nap or meal?

Choose a time when there are little to no distractions, so you avoid unnecessary interruptions.

Demeanor

When you’re reactive, your emotions dominate, which is never a good state to make any decision. Least of which important ones concerning the welfare of your parent/s. Take extra care to ensure you come across as empathetic to your parents’ situation and avoid any patronizing tones altogether.

Now is the time to speak to your aging parent from a place of love and concern. Do not let your ego get in the way. Remember what your greater mission is here, to ensure your senior parent is well cared for, happy, and healthy.

Location

Where possible, ensure that you and your parent are in a calm setting that is familiar. This setting must pose no threat to either party. Once again, you’ll want to minimize potential distractions or interruptions so both parties can give their full attention to the task at hand.

Focus on the Benefits of Long-Term Care

Depending on the situation, it may be helpful to work through some benefits of the move to a senior care facility for your parent. Be sure to include the greater family in this discussion if it is appropriate to do so

Focus on what will be gained on a multitude of fronts, rather than lost. It may be helpful to name the most obvious pro’s, such as better safety, improved socializing, access to 24-hour professional care, etc.

Prioritize Compromise Above Negotiation

Entering into a negotiation with your aging parent could take a turn for the worst in some instances. Nobody wants to feel like they are giving something up. Nicole advises to “focus on the bigger picture, and to avoid pretending that there will be no loss altogether.”

Instead, ask: ‘what scares you the most about moving to longer-term senior care?’ or ‘Tell me what it is that you are afraid of losing?’ and listen with intent. First, you have to allow your senior parent to voice their fears or concerns. Then, once they’ve had a chance to do so, you’ll have the opportunity to do the same.

Compromise is a better way of putting things into perspective. When we compromise, we acknowledge and accept that both parties – in this case, the greater family and the senior – will have to forfeit some form of control. Compromise can take many different forms, depending on each unique situation.

Embrace Vulnerability that Comes with Long-Term Care

Remember that for some, the process of aging and the natural decline of our abilities is utterly humiliating. If possible, create an environment where your parent can speak freely and be vulnerable. If there were ever a time to tap into your humanity, it would be during this conversation.

One angle to approach this may be to chat to your parent about the potential dangers of not moving into a longer-term senior care facility. However, avoid running through a list of worst-case scenarios since speaking from a place of fear may cause a communication breakdown.

Instead, opt for an honest account of your or the extended family’s most pressing fears. It could sound something like: ‘As a family, we fear that we won’t be able to provide you with the care you need. If you fall and injure yourself, we won’t get to you soon enough to help, which is worrying. ’

Include Relevant Others in the Discussion of Long-Term Care

Be mindful that nobody wants to feel like they’ve unknowingly stepped into an intervention of sorts. Only bring other family members or loved ones into the conversation if it’s necessary or appropriate to do so.

Will the presence of other loved ones assist this conversation, or cause it to collapse altogether? Are you familiar with how your parent responds in a group? Plan accordingly to ensure that everyone in attendance feels as comfortable as possible.

Avoid Feelings of Guilt when Talking About Long-Term Care

As an adult child, you may find yourself in the strange position of being the primary caretaker of your aging parent. Taking care of you aging parent in itself is a weird reversal of roles for some. It’s completely natural to experience guilt as a result of embarking on this journey. Oftentimes people feel like they are abandoning their parents in their hour of need, only to shove them in a care facility to be a burden on strangers.

Where possible, recognize the guilt for what it is – coming to terms with this new reality. You can’t necessarily put your own life or the life of your own family on hold to care for your parent full time.

If you have yet to have a conversation with your aging parent or loved one about moving to long-term care, and you’re unsure of how to start this conversation, reach out to one of our certified Placement Experts here, who will be happy to assist.

*Disclaimer: The information contained in this blog is designed to support, not replace, the relationship that exists between a patient/site visitor and his or her immediate family, physician, or other care providers.