Overcoming the guilt of moving your senior parent into a longer-term senior community can be very challenging. So many of us know how frustrating it can be when your senior parent/s refuse to move to a long-term senior care community. It’s a widespread and exhausting scenario for so many families.
You’ve started noticing that your senior parent needs a little more help than you can provide, and still, they refuse. They are adamant that they don’t need help and can fully manage independently, but you know this isn’t true. Perhaps one or both of your parents’ health has taken a turn for the worse. Or maybe after months or years, you’re experiencing caregiver burnout and witnessing your health and relationships deteriorate.
To tackle the conversation and ultimately move your senior parent to assisted living or another type of senior care community is arguably one of the most complex decisions for families to make and often goes hand-in-hand with feelings of guilt.
Why do we feel guilty?
You may know that moving your senior parent to a senior living community is in their best interest, but this does not always mean you are spared the feelings of guilt that accompany this truth.
- Irrespective of age – role reversal is complex. You grew up looking up to your parents, and now the people you used to go to for advice and guidance when you felt unsure or helpless are reliant on you. This can feel unnatural for many families and cause increased feelings of guilt.
- We may feel like we’ve failed as a caregiver. For many families, moving their senior parent into a senior living community can feel like an admission of defeat. “I just can’t handle it, so I had to enlist the help of others” is a statement often overheard when dealing with families in this situation. The exact opposite is, of course, true, as making the difficult decision to move them into a professional community will ultimately benefit their overall health and wellness.
- We used to promise we would never put them “away in a nursing home.” How many times have your parents made you promise to never ‘lock them away’ in a nursing home or some derivative hereof? When the time comes, this statement may echo in the back of your mind, reinforcing your feelings of guilt. Rest assured, no one is locking any family member away, and new freedoms and routines will soon be a welcome change if you choose the right community for your senior’s unique needs.
- We realize that a move at an advanced age is a big ask of a senior. Change may be as good as a holiday, but for many seniors, change is terrifying. Suddenly, they are placed in an unknown environment away from their usual routines and acquaintances. They are asked to adapt and make new friends in some instances, which can be difficult at any age. Putting ourselves in their shoes can cause feelings of guilt to take hold.
Ways to combat the guilt of moving your senior
Whether the move took place without a glitch or there were obstacles along the way, families often have feelings of guilt from moving their senior parent/s. Below are four ways you can cope with feelings of guilt:
1. Celebrate the small wins. Has your senior enjoyed a specific meal or a new activity in their new community? Have you noticed that your anxiety has decreased due to not worrying about your senior’s safety and wellbeing? When feelings of guilt start getting the better of you, remember to celebrate the small wins.
2. Learn to embrace uncertainty. When families or adult children are placed in the position of making difficult decisions and arrangements on behalf of their senior, it can be very stressful. Even more so, when arrangements require a move to a senior community that can have financial and other consequences, stress levels are heightened. Keep reminding yourself why these crucial decisions are necessary and try your best to accept that no amount of planning can guarantee a specific outcome. After all, we are talking about humans, not robots.
3. Practice patience. Remember that a period of adjustment is standard when significant changes occur. Accepting change will take some time. Try and reach out to online support groups or other families going through similar circumstances in your senior’s new community and ask them how they coped. Try to enjoy the meaningful moments with your senior, and make a point to enjoy the things you or your family loves during this transition.
4. Make a point to visit regularly. By visiting your senior in their new home regularly, you can help restore feelings of normalcy and assist them in feeling more comfortable with their surroundings. Popping in often to visit means you are also kept up to date with everything that’s going on with your senior parent and can help you feel empowered and connected.
Contact us at Options for Senior Living:
If you have any questions or would like more information, please contact us. We would be happy to help! Assisted living can be a great solution for those who need a little extra help taking care of themselves.
