There are a couple of things you should try not to say when talking to your aging parents. This blog article spells out some of the must-know terms to steer clear from.
If you have senior parents, then the chances are good that you can still vividly remember what it was like when your parents said something that embarrassed you in front of others. Remember when you used to think, “you’ll never understand me,” or “nobody knows what it’s like to me be”…Well, the same goes for aging parents. However, there are some things better left unsaid when talking to our senior loved ones.
There’s probably no adult alive who won’t confess to their parents driving them bananas during childhood and adolescence. Our parents seemingly live to embarrass us during those years. But, as we become adults, the tables begin turning as our parents start aging. In some cases, we even become caretakers for parents who start exhibiting signs of cognitive impairments like dementia or Alzheimer’s.
It can be tough on everybody when seniors know they have memory loss and can’t do anything about it. Even though they may seem checked out, it’s vital to be careful of what we say around them. Here are a few tips to help you remember what NOT to say to your aging parents.
1. “This isn’t so hard. Why are you struggling to do this?”
No matter your age, nobody wants to be talked down to or made to feel they aren’t performing tasks normally. Many seniors will struggle with even basic tasks during these years, and remarks like this deepen their sense of rejection and frustration. The better alternative would be to exercise patience and explain things differently or write instructions for tasks they may forget. A patient word and a comforting check-in go a long way.
2.“You’ve already told me that.” or “We’ve already spoken about this.”
By nature, aging seniors often become forgetful. If they have been diagnosed with cognitive decline, you will most likely hear them repeating things over and over again. While this can be frustrating, try to keep in mind that they don’t remember telling you the same thing, so it seems like new information for them. Often, family members with dementia hold dear to their memories and like to talk about them with those they love. For them, this is therapeutic. Just be kind and smile as you listen to that memory—again and again. Find some humor in the situation if you can – it will benefit all parties in this situation.
3.“How can you not remember your own family member’s name?”
All of us struggle to remember names at times, and our aging parents are no different. If they have dementia or Alzheimer’s, remembering names becomes stressful. Even their own child’s name. Don’t take this personally or correct them in a sarcastic tone. Instead, gently remind them who is who and move on.
4.“What does this have to do with anything?”
If your parents bring up seemingly random stories that have nothing to do with the current conversation, you must remember that they often have a reason, even if we have no idea what it is. You can try asking them what made them think of that particular story or memory in this situation. They will probably be able to tell you once you patiently ask what their thought process was.
5.“I want your money/heirloom/house when you die.”
It might seem obvious but saying a line like this is NOT to bring up a will or possible inheritance. As parents age, the adult children often begin wondering what they will get when the parent dies. While it’s ok to have that conversation, it should never be done in an insensitive manner. Nobody wants to think people are just waiting for them to die so they can get their money or possessions. But, unfortunately, sometimes common sense is not so common.
Along with what not to say to aging parents, here are a couple of things not to do when you are with your aging loved ones.
Don’t speak for them.
Don’t try to speak on your aging parents’ behalf. This is especially true when you are at a doctor’s visit or talking to a member of their care team. Unless your parent cannot speak for themselves, you should never communicate on their behalf unless it is a crisis. Your parents need to retain the right to speak for themselves and maintain their dignity and control for as long as possible.
Don’t “play along” with memory loss.
It’s not uncommon for seniors with dementia to become confused. For example, they may think they are in a different period of life or that they can call a loved one who passed away years ago. It’s imperative not to play along in these cases. Doing this will only confuse their sense of reality. It might seem easier just to play along, but it is not a healthy thing to do. Instead, gently remind them of the facts if they seem confused.
If you need additional advice or tips for talking to a senior loved one, then this article is for you.
